Grieving

but he ran off wednesday night... We think maybe Josh's gas meter-reader left the gate open.. Thursday morning Josh went out to check on Butch and couldn't find him, so he asked me to come over that night and see if maybe he was hiding in the yard and would come to me... I couldn't find him. I found the gate open, Josh didn't think to look by it, since it's always closed. I asked some of his neighbors who just happened to be gossiping outside, if they had seen him, both said no, but that they'd keep an eye out. I went to the animal shelter here today and he wasn't there, but I filled out a lost pet report, so if he is brought there they'll call us. Also Josh has a friend who works for animal control he has alerted.. Bad thing is, we don't have any tags for him, if my grandma had some we couldn't find them, and I'm not even sure if his collar was on him or not... I don't remember if I put it back on him after his Sunday bath. It breaks my heart that he's run off. He's so scared of strangers, and loud sounds, I can't imagine how scared he is.. and it was one last little thing I could do for my grandma... I never thought I'd cry so much over a dog, I'm a cat person.. .well, animal person all around, but cats are special to me... cats and this chihuahua. I hope someone finds him, and either takes care of him or turns him in... I can't stand this not knowing, and after all that's happened in the last few weeks this just... well, its the straw that broke the camel's back, you know... the one thing that just made everythng else real. Josh and I split (5 year on and off relationship, he's my best friend), I was pregnant, miscarried on July 27th (early pregnancy, and the blood test revealed some hormone issues so it wasn't completely a surprise, but this was my second loss in under 4 years, I want nothing more than to be a mom, and it's my worst fear that I won't be, always has been), then my grandma passed on July 31st... and Ive lost her dog.

I'm trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself. Much worse is/has happened to people, and overall I know everything happens for a reason and I will get thru this and be a stronger and better person for it... but goddamnit does it all have to happen at once?  How long does it take to get over the end of a loving relationship? How long does it take to mourn the death of a close family member? How long does it take to heal from a miscarriage? Let's try to space out the hurt- this is overwhelming. And the little dog, so happy to see me, who loved me (maybe thought I was my grandma) so much, who I loved, who made me happy to see him... why'd he have to go? He was one little piece of my grandma, one little bit of her heart and spirit that I had to keep... gone.