Breath In- Breath Out

Breathing is all I can manage to do... I have a meltdown a couple times a week... I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself and I don't know what to do anymore...

I had a nearly 7 hour drive yesterday. The last two hours I spent bawling, I tried screaming to get the tension out- I was alone, the window was down and it was dark so why the hell not.  The sound of my own scream freaked me out even worse. It was awful. It wasn't what I was expecting it to sound like- I thought it would be a mad/frustrated sound.  It was sad, it was a cry of pain.

I meditate every day.  I calm myself before going to bed with some colorful visualizations, which really do relax me.

Whenever my bestie L gets upset, I tell her just to breath in and breath out- she used my own words on me today. I told her it was nice to have a reminder now and then.. . Sometimes I feel it's the only thing I can control, my breathe. 

Grieving

but he ran off wednesday night... We think maybe Josh's gas meter-reader left the gate open.. Thursday morning Josh went out to check on Butch and couldn't find him, so he asked me to come over that night and see if maybe he was hiding in the yard and would come to me... I couldn't find him. I found the gate open, Josh didn't think to look by it, since it's always closed. I asked some of his neighbors who just happened to be gossiping outside, if they had seen him, both said no, but that they'd keep an eye out. I went to the animal shelter here today and he wasn't there, but I filled out a lost pet report, so if he is brought there they'll call us. Also Josh has a friend who works for animal control he has alerted.. Bad thing is, we don't have any tags for him, if my grandma had some we couldn't find them, and I'm not even sure if his collar was on him or not... I don't remember if I put it back on him after his Sunday bath. It breaks my heart that he's run off. He's so scared of strangers, and loud sounds, I can't imagine how scared he is.. and it was one last little thing I could do for my grandma... I never thought I'd cry so much over a dog, I'm a cat person.. .well, animal person all around, but cats are special to me... cats and this chihuahua. I hope someone finds him, and either takes care of him or turns him in... I can't stand this not knowing, and after all that's happened in the last few weeks this just... well, its the straw that broke the camel's back, you know... the one thing that just made everythng else real. Josh and I split (5 year on and off relationship, he's my best friend), I was pregnant, miscarried on July 27th (early pregnancy, and the blood test revealed some hormone issues so it wasn't completely a surprise, but this was my second loss in under 4 years, I want nothing more than to be a mom, and it's my worst fear that I won't be, always has been), then my grandma passed on July 31st... and Ive lost her dog.

I'm trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself. Much worse is/has happened to people, and overall I know everything happens for a reason and I will get thru this and be a stronger and better person for it... but goddamnit does it all have to happen at once?  How long does it take to get over the end of a loving relationship? How long does it take to mourn the death of a close family member? How long does it take to heal from a miscarriage? Let's try to space out the hurt- this is overwhelming. And the little dog, so happy to see me, who loved me (maybe thought I was my grandma) so much, who I loved, who made me happy to see him... why'd he have to go? He was one little piece of my grandma, one little bit of her heart and spirit that I had to keep... gone. 

Today I do nothing...

Today, as lovely as it is, I have melted into a puddle of lethargy on the couch.  I'm not cooking, not cleaning, not filing (I have a paper monster taking over my home office), not gardening, not decorating, and trying not to think.  I am becoming the zen master, well, maybe not.. .mental exhaustion, chapped eyes from crying, my brain and skin need a break from my emotions. 

Indecisiveness

I've been redoing my bathroom for the last two years... not in the "completely gutted, start from scratch" kind of way.  I can't seem to find a color scheme I like.  First, when I bought the house, it was all gray. Gray tile board on the walls, and that was it. The bathroom is tiny, and the only one in the house so it's not like I have an option of what I want to look at... I put up a basketweave pattern light brown wallpaper, dark brown trim, and a delightful multicolor striped shower curtain.  One of the cats felt it necessary to scratch some of the paper off the bottom part of the wall, so it had to go.  About a month ago I pulled everything down, planning on a colorful purple and gray room.  Wallpaper on the top half, a nice plum on the bottom half.  The plum was way to dark, plus being that I was painting tileboard, I decided I would create faux grout lines, with a white paint pen... This looked awful.  So, I painted over the purple with an olive green. This looks pretty good with the gray wallpaper... Yesterday while perusing the scrapbooking paper in Hobby Lobby, I had what I thought was a great idea- the one wall that was all tile board, I would collage! I purchased a mass amount of paper in purple, green, and a large flower purple, green, and off white pattern.  Today I took the purple, cut it into 4 inch strips, and created a border around the top.  Not bad.  I then continued the collage process on the one wall with all tile board.... eh.  I the green in the paper doesn't match the green I painted, which I realized that, the olive might be too dark, a lighter shade of green would be great. The collage doesn't look terrible, but I just don't want to look at it.  I don't know what I want, but I'm tired of that damn room being incomplete. 
My style.. I would describe it as... ecclectic.. I want my personal style reflected in my house, not overbearingly, but in a classy way.. I want to enjoy the room, I spend a lot of time in there.  I just can't decide. 

I guess decorating while in a less than desirable emotional state is a bad idea.

Maybe it's Cliche

Maybe it's cliche to post poetry about feelings in blogs... but I'm doing it anyway.

I'm a writer by nature- I went to college for 5 years to hone my craft, and I keep it all to myself... My job does not involve writing at all. I've submitted one thing to publishers before; it was a nursery rhyme sort of thing about fairies. Everyone rejected it. They all said they didn't need anymore children's books to try again at a later time. This pretty much shattered every hope I ever had of being published in something that didn't involve a contest. I haven't sat down and written my story yet. I think my story is one that should be told. I think I can help people. But for now-

There's too much happening. I don't know where my story goes from here.

Tired of my thoughts and afraid of my dreams,

Numb is the state I'm looking for-
I can see it from here:
The road is paved with broken hearts
All red and soggy.
Each bump is one filled with hope...
The rod gets smoother as I move along.
In the mirror is the land of Hope and Aspiration
Getting smaller, soon out of sight.

This vase-
Three times broken within a week

No time for the glue to cure
The pieces shatter and scatter again
Waiting to be picked up and made recognizable
There's a beauty to the parts on their own
but it has no purpose nor function
Useless until healed and made whole
Will it lose balance and fall again?
A loving hand, loses it's grip?
Is it worth putting back together

If it's going to break again?

So this morning, I was sitting in my car in the driveway when my loving mancat Kitten tried to jump in the window on the driver's side... The window was rolled up. He was completely unharmed, and, damn, did I laugh. "That is love," I thought, "wild uncontainable love."

Polly comes by maybe every two weeks or so. I used to have three cats, inside with me. But, my allergies got the best of me, the cats had to go... outside. Polly was the loner of the herd, she was the oldest, the calmest, and the most adventurous. She's also the one who first climbed over the fence around my backyard and adopted the wandering lifestyle of a feral cat. She rarely lets me get close enough to pet her, but often she will talk- I like to imagine she's telling me of all the things she's been doing the last few weeks. I always leave out food and water for the neighborhood cats- since one of them belongs to me- but at one point this summer I was feeding 7 strangers. I'm trying so keep the strangers out, but cats just do whatever they want.

A Clogged Pipe Made Me Cry, so I Kicked it's Ass.

I write when I'm miserable.
I guess.
I started this blog two years ago, and made two entries.
Then I found an amazing new job, it took up a ton of my time, pays well, and writing went to the wayside. It's still a bit of a struggle, but it's a much needed outlet for me at the moment. Let's see- starting July 24th, here's been my last few weeks. Pregnant, my man broke up with me (sort of, I thought we were a couple, he said he couldn't see us as a couple, but I'm his best friend), had to borrow money from my parents to pay my mortgage, miscarriage (2nd in 4 years), grandma died, pipes clogged, maladjusted elderly chiuauah (I can't spell it) who was my grandma's constant companion rehomed with the old non-boyfriend boyfriend but he's afraid of the NBB loves me, and my satellite radio is broken. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what I'm feeling one moment to the next- I haven't been able to properly mourn the unborn baby, my grandma, nor the loss of love. There's just too much going on.



So... here I am again. I'm planning on doing this often, the blogging that is.. because I'm interested in how I'm going to manage... I want a record of it. I tried thinking of my life as a movie plot... what would be the next scene? What happens now? Well, in modern movies, the girl either gets the guy, or she instantly moves on and meets someone wonderful and new... the girl goes to the funeral, has a half hour of wonderful grandmotherly memories, then moves on. I'm not sure how the movies portray recovery after a miscarriage... probably the girl picks herself up, accepts that it happened and tries again, ends up with a happy healthy baby and loving husband. This is why I hate Romance flicks, and RomComs- unrealistic. I will explain the NBB someday. I will talk myself out of this funk- is this a funk? My faith in anything has been severely damaged from my past, it's a struggle for me to believe there is a God, and that he cares about us. I'm trying to tell myself that God wouldn't put shit on me if I couldn't handle it.. but sometimes I think God is just wondering what my breaking point is.. The clogged pipe was a horrible fucking piece of straw, it didn't break this camel's back but if deffinately made it sway...

Breath in and out.
In.
Out.

Learned that from Sleepless in Seattle.